Nightmares of the Bottom

I think they call this…. “venting” …

What do you get when you take a young, hungry creative from NY with a deep rooted love for hip-hop culture and no sense of direction? You have Manito.

HolaManito.me was born in summer 2015 out of college debt and a dream after receiving my Bachelor’s degree. My concentration was on a career involving Marketing and Communications and more importantly, getting the entire fuck out of managing a shitty sneaker store for an even shittier salary and selling sneakers for commission in another one.  I had no aspirations of being a big blogger or even a writer for that matter. This was simply an idea to show prospective employers that I was familiar with what it took to build an online presence.  So I picked blogging about what spoke to me most, which was hip-hop, something that I not only loved but lived through. Since I was a “hip-hoppin’ shorty wop” rapping along to Biggie at age 3 and hitting the Tootsie Roll in my aunt’s living room, there’s nothing I’m more passionate about than hip-hop (Hmm okay I’m lying.. maybe a good slice of pizza) but still, hip-hop. Though I haven’t always been consistent in my posts, or careful with my proofreads (oops!), it wasn’t long before I discovered I had another passion, and that’s writing about it.

It wasn’t until January of this year that I realized that there was an art in this all, and I was actually kind of good at it. As the result, I committed myself to being more present with the things I post this year, and with a new podcast and 88 posts later, 89 after this one, I’m still where I started…. with college debt and a dream.

“Life has always got me wondering:
Am I doing it right? Am I hurting myself?
Am I wronging the ones that love me the most?
What a burden to have
That ain’t no way to live
Or maybe it is. Well, maybe it is” – J. Cole from Joey Bada$$’ “Legendary”

2 years later I’m still living the lifestyle of the broke and frustrated. Stuck in them 20somethings with still asking myself why? And more..

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Why am I educated and still not in my field? What am I doing wrong? What can I do to fix it? What if I’m too late? Why a nigga always want what he can’t have? Why I can’t come through in the pecan Jag? (The last 2 were Jadakiss’ questions but I still think of those from time to time.) But really..What’s a girl to do when she’s getting pushed out the culture she’s trying to push forward?

I’ve done it all from multiple interviews at corporate jobs, submissions to contribute to music publications, and having meetings with those in the industry but the answer has still been the same, “NO.” 

I feel less than nothing, lower than zero…I feel like I let Nas down, as J. Cole would say. Fuck that, I feel like I let my family down…like I let myself down. I can’t seem to find my balance, my confidence, or my niche. Fighting fear of failure with having faith is a constant battle, but I’m still fighting..

“I’m a stallion, stout, strong, war ready, resilient
Guess the Lord put me in position just to kill niggas
A warrior, but words used is my spear, my sword, my fear, my Lord,
My chance is void if I do it for myself and don’t give back to the loyal” – J.I.D from “D/vision”

Just when I feel myself about to say, “Yo fuck it” and try to sell FitTea on Instagram or whatever, I think about my love for hip-hop and how I’ve grown with it over the years. I think about the things hip-hop has taught me and what it tells me..

Wu-Tang told me “It’s Yourz,” B.I.G. told me, “Sky’s The Limit,” and Puff told me “Take that.”(Repeatedly.) So that’s exactly what I’m going to do, in time. I’ve spent 25 years hearing stories from some of the greats, from being “ashy to classy” going from “Marcy to Madison Square.” My time is coming. I just have to be patience but stay in it. On my road to being Paid In Full, I want to say fuck 10 years cause I’m thinking more like 10 days. But nothing worth having comes easy right?

Still finding my way through life, one questionable tweet at a time, I thank you for reading and following me along with it. My questions will still go on, and my doubts and fears still may pop up, my career might go a totally different direction but one thing that’s forever is what I feel for hip-hop, and it won’t stop. Thank God for granting me this moment of clarity..

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One thought on “Nightmares of the Bottom

  1. This post has moved to my favorites! One of your most introspective and personal pieces that I feel we all can relate to. We all have those fears and doubts and you stated them perfectly. Shit remind me of a line your boy J Cole said (King Kendrick over all): “..looking up at the sky like where did all my blessings go, you chase a dream and then you stop? Guess you’ll never know.” You got this, WE believe in you!

    Like

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